I feel very frustrated with myself. I do not know how anyone can sit and write a whole book at once. I find myself distracted by so many things. I need an alter ego to write alongside myself – another me – two of us at once. A dual existence … sigh. Daydreaming. I am not very good at ‘days off’ in pensive mode. I always feel so guilty I am not addressing emails, queries, accounting for expenses for the new project … and … worrying in general.
I suppose we all need to learn to switch off and enjoy quality moments without guilt. To not fear our own private thoughts. We all need space. (She says, despite admitting to jealousy issues … sorry … lol).
This time last year, I was wandering, writing … I thought I knew my head and heart. This year, nothing could be more different. I am living in a place I never thought possible. I am living a life that has a routine and I am responsible for strangers. It is is surreal. A dream – a nightmare – a passion – a challenge – a myth – fantasy – reality. Everything … there is happiness, fear and never knowing. I do worry. But I am thankful to be alive and in love. Distant or near. It’s in the heart – the eyes – the soul – infinite twisted through a heart. Like a left rib.
Plus I stood sideways in the mirror tonight and I look pregnant. I can assure you I am not (well not in an earthly sense) maybe some universal being is using me as a portal for someone else? It’s not a fat podge but like I have a real maternity bump … It could be a phantom pregnancy? I do admit though, I have been eating weird food and this is not a conscious decision. I hate waste. I hate greedy people who put more food on their plates than they know they are going to eat. So I become like a intermediary between their waste and the bin. Also I drink beer now and again. This is not because I am more social. Quite the opposite. I sneak into my bar in the night and grab a bottle just for the sheer fun factor and thrill of being able to do that. What has my life become?
On the upside I have sourced some amazing art. A night of worrying. Worrying about just about everything. Help! Or maybe all of above is anxiety that is induced by bathing in Mongolian rock salt. This procedure not only detoxes the body but also the mind. Perhaps I am in the midst of a ninth dimensional energetical shift. Yes. I prefer this concept.
ps I tend to blog most when avoiding a chapter. I am a coward – lazy at times.