I asked the universe when I was a child to give me what I had to do. I said I was not afraid. I decided to honour my child hood wish throughout my life. For this I have been taught lessons. Mainly about the weakness of others.
My life got signed away to a place in Blackpool for five years with very bad landlords. My gut feeling said danger but my heart said follow your journey. People take the piss believing the kind are foolish – but eventually all that matters is real love. When the shit hits the fan we discover who matters most. And I have something so special. I believe he saved my life at Christmas. I had a virus for nearly five weeks. I was alone in the dark. I was ready to go and even prepared myself to look okay in a coffin. At the same time I feared someone may burn down where I lived. I was quite literally the victim of mindful hatred – I did not sleep. I was too afraid to do that. I had done nothing wrong. I tried to make amends with my karma but could not find a reason to deserve feeling so afraid and unwell. On reflection lack of sleep, a sense of despair and a huge responsibility got the better of me. I was losing keys, misplacing my glasses, trying to cook stuff I had never prepared to paying guests. My self esteem became so bad I was too afraid to keep up with blog – as in addition I still had the internet baggage clutching on for books and drunken script writing. The lowest form of scum. No innovation. Just cash.
But the love and the friendships are something that I have been given from Angels. To meet strangers and find ways to connect on so many levels.
Also I want to say Happy Mum’s Dad to my mum and thank you for the flowers you sent to me on behalf of the family plus the Prosecco. I felt like a queen yesterday when they arrived. It has been almost a year of being the underdog but I love it here. It is where I am needed for now at least. I love the challenge of staying strong in my faith. Thanks mum for being my greatest critic and toughest ali – also a silent mentor. I realise now how hard you have worked for all of us. I am so sorry I never get to see you and dad. But you have never been in my heart as much as you both are now.
The photo is of Shnuggles, my eldest son’s cat. She is a feral. She came in the window one day and never left his side. Thank you for looking after him for me. I miss you all like crazy and I will never let anyone hurt you.
We have to smile and be thankful that new things are happening. I want you to be proud. No person should feel they have to hide from those who have so much less than true love. We are all so lucky. I am so in love! And I know I am a handful but I am doing what I want to do. I cannot stop people from coming here who wish me harm but I certainly should never give up sharing love with my friends and family because of them. They don’t realise what they are doing and they need help most. So let us send love but never attention. Focusing only on what matters for our soul groups.