Thoughts and Mood – Memories – Pictures – Sadness

I am sorting out all my photographs for the past few years. I have been places I’ve forgotten. I am not going to stay in Blackpool. I cannot stay here. I need to be free to see the people I love. There’s too much crap going on here. I am not a quitter. I am going to make things work but I won’t be living here for the rest of my life. No way. I need to stay on my journey and be near to my heart. This is no prison. No way. The way things are with isolation are no different for me. I live like this anyway. I am paying my rent each month on time to people who are not even keeping up with mortgage payments as far as I am aware. They speak to me terrible and I feel afraid to be in this house. It’s not fair and it is not right. I have a family too and I am worth more. I have felt like a prisoner here since June 13th 2018. I don’t fit in. A lot of the neighbours hate me and I don’t even know them. I am no man’s slave. I have lived in a shed and being happier.

This is not how love should feel for us. We do too much and it is going to stop. Just looking through my pictures has made me see that life is too short to be afraid. To live in fear. To hide from bullies. Words will never explain what’s happened here. I am putting it behind me but there’s always been the love of my life and my sons. My pets. I won’t ever let them down. We must stay home and save lives. We must do this to stop the pandemic spreading. It is not so tough for me as I am in this routine but I know how you feel. I believe I have been subjective to modern day slavery mainly by means of Groupon for six months of what I can only describe as hell. Blackmail. Bribery and fear in so many ways. No more. I am better than that. To be kind and conscientious does not mean being dragged down into the gutter with those who have no morals. I don’t steal. I don’t take advantage of anyone. So why the fuck should I take it. No Way!

You don’t need to live in a business to run it. Other people don’t so I am not. No Way! I need all of nature not just the sea. I need to know I can put on my wellies and get out there when all this has blown over. I feel sad for us all at the moment. We all need light at the end of this tunnel. God only knows I pray for it each day. There’s one special person who has stood by me. And I am glad I don’t have to ever tell you who he is. Because I ain’t sharing him. And also my son who has done so much. I am just fortunate I suppose that I am loved by return somewhere along this weird journey I am on now. I don’t care about money. I can live on waste. I care about being happy in my heart with the people I love sharing nature with me. Perhaps this was not the right time to sort my pictures out. Or perhaps it is. I have a beautiful new project but I do is worry someone is going to damage the property or try to make it even tougher for me. Tomorrow will be a better day. I have made some life long friends here. It’s not all bad. And I want to see Marc shine. He will manage the new project and he will be good. I have lessons to learn from. I am growing in spirit and I guess I did ask the universe to give me only what I could deal with.

I just feel guilty for putting my loved ones through it. And I am sorry. Thanks for waiting for me. I want to spread love not animosity. Am going for a dance. It will be okay then. Being on a computer is not good in long doses. Bores the shit out of me. I suppose at least I have not spent my years playing safe with the same people in the same place doing the same things. I have gone out there to find my purpose. To learn from life without the ivory tower. Street value. Street lessons. I love the streets. Love the cities, love the hills. Love wooden huts and caravans. Variety is indeed the spice of life and we don’t need to be rich to learn that. Quite the opposite. We need to be free of greed.

Below is Evie when she was a puppy in Leamington Spa near my family home.

Tiffany. X