Sometimes in life we can feel helpless to the point of not wanting to be here anymore. But we must remember that our lowest moments make us stronger, and I always say ‘the universe will give us only what we can deal with’. That said, this week I have wondered how much more I will receive. Who needs this crap anymore!

I reflect back throughout my life. I have no regrets but there’s many things I could have done differently, that’s how we learn. For instance I have been too generous with money, therefore, have gone without myself, not realising most of the time I was worse off than those I tried to help! I have always tried to be kind. But kindness can kill. Kindness is seen as a gap for the darkness. I feel sad for this.

Alcohol scared me in lockdown, so instead I made candles, soap and wax melts as a distraction from the internet. As being in a hotel mostly alone with a stocked bar it could have got messy. Then moving to Belleva, I decided to try strawberry wine, I enjoyed a glass here and there but then if affected my mood, so I stopped that. Instead, I occasionally drink bottled beer socially, and that’s it for drink – five bottles a week, max. As I’ve got older my tolerance levels have stooped. I work very hard and for most of this week my washing machine has not worked. So, I have a heap of laundry to get sorted before Friday. I have OCD with washing. But not so much with how tidy my flat is. My son’s here trying to fix a couple of leaks and I am sitting for the five pets. So, it’s sort of like a sanctuary of fluff out the back here.

It’s now been four months since we lost Dad. I haven’t cried yet, but I still feel him around. The family are all readjusting to the huge gap, where he was always the mentor. It’s been horrific on so many levels. Shape shifting. Soul searching. We are seeing others for who they really are. Not in terms of opinion or how they convey themselves to others or indeed others via themselves. But more so how complexed life is when ‘fantasy’ takes over from fact and responsibility. No balance applied. Healing takes time. And where there is pain we all suffer.

It doesn’t take much to be kind. We can all too easily see see a bad that does not exist. We must come from a place of love and evaluate the purpose of pain. To not seek revenge or hateful attacks on the innocent – but to seek a network of infrastructure that will be beneficial to the wellbeing of all that we care for. And to leave behind thoughts which serve no purpose.

I believe potentially, the human brain can be a wicked tool and a mobile phone a coward’s weapon. Who we appear to be on the internet is not at all the same as how we walk in real life? This world is a complete mess at the moment. Those appearing to lead the perfect life, while others playing victim for the ‘sympathy’ spoon. It’s not a looking glass, it’s a stage show, where there are ‘sheep’ begging to see others fall. Just like walking the plank or being on the back of an old cart on the way to the gallows. Spectators jeer in delight for the sorrow which lies ahead. What sick minds some of us have. Where has empathy gone?

We talk about nature improving without us, but then everything would be overgrown. Humans are good at cultivating, so this is a purpose for your hands. To work with soil and see flowers grow in shabby places. It is all a part of life’s tapestry. A gift to behold.

Last week I gave up caffeine. It’s like coming down with a bump. So, I had a coffee a couple of days back. It was such a treat. Then I didn’t sleep all night. I am focusing on my own tea and it’s mainly ginger and lemon.

Anyway, however life treats us, we are finally judged with our complete truth which is our ‘life purpose and journey.’ I am proud to be me. I know who I am and that I am fine. No time for liars, thieves or bullies. Sad thing is most of them don’t know they’re doing it. That’s their baggage – not yours and not mine. We are what we earn in terms of compassion and conscience.

The internet is bullshit. Real volunteers aren’t on it, they’re too busy in the real world.

And as for fossil fuel, how are the elderly, infirm and poverty stricken supposed to stay warm this winter and indeed the protestors? This matters. If it’s cruel to burn trees and coal, wrong to light a gas fire, then how will any of you eat warm food again? Listen to yourselves and think for a moment. And did you know you have to pass a credit check to get an energy account. Otherwise you are stuck on a meter without any options! I thank myself lucky for a tariff and choice. There are many ways to lower our carbon footprint that are relatively simple and cost effective, however. Staying off your mobile phones is one of them.

Go on! Get an electric car, oil’s out of fashion.

And as for those who think it’s fine to smoke anything green, it’s not. I know many people who have fucked their heads up with the poisonous crap that’s sold on the streets. Be very careful folks! It should be a class A drug if you look at our mental health crisis around the UK.

Deep breathing, low salt and sugar intake, plenty of water and avoiding negative people is the perfect chill pill.

Amen. Enjoy winter.