Relationships are the most complexed yet rewarding things to settle into. During our life most of us meet thousands of people. Some we get to know, others we have a quick chat with or exchange a smile. It’s all chemistry and I believe we meet each person for a reason. Taking on a new mate is a big responsibility, as friendship takes effort. It would be impossible to please everyone. And it’s nobody’s job to fix another person. But by having the right balance around us, we can enrich our lives and purpose.
The internet for many has become a portal to make new connections that can often transpire into real life events. Many of the biggest moves I have made in life derive from internet discoveries. That said, it’s a minefield, as we can also tap into connections that are not giving us accuracy. For instance (and although I do not wish to dwell on it) the experience of being stalked has affected me on a deep level, where I felt my safety had been compromised. The reality of invasive spyware being discovered inside my place of work and my home. Not to mention an entire list of invasions, to include Apps being hacked etc. It was something I had not prepared for, and nobody should have to.
I did accept counseling and it has been confirmed in writing, there is clearly nothing at all wrong with my mental health. I already knew this as I am an optimistic soul. I can find good in the simplest of things. The team were however interested in my talks about the sensory garden I have made for the pets, birds and loved ones, as such a project would help others during recovery. But for months I became overly insular with a combination of distress and feeling very low. It has driven me out of my business, and then followed a chain of horrific targeted events. I am aware that whoever has been paid to hack my data, report on my real time activities etc., has been highly trained to terrorize me. In this world a worrying combination = a man in London with too much time and money + those who will take his money to do anything to me on the wrong side of the law.
It had been a focused online obsession towards my activities, becoming worst when I set up an Instagram account named ‘Lost in Lytham’ (now reluctantly deleted) that also promoted a diet group to earn an extra salary. I was posting pictures of the town, my little world, inspiring fitness, in addition to running a hotel in Blackpool. I had blocked the stalker, but he still seemed to think I had some kind of internet connection with him, where he reacted to everything I shared, as quickly as I posted it, and many others would notice this hindrance. I had hoped blocking him made it clear there was no desire to connect on any level. It’s been a heavy online presence for over ten years that does involve two of them at the same address, who have seemed abnormally embroiled as to my whereabouts, followed by a need to belittle and intimidate me with their work projects and targeted mentions of family, friends, etc all done in such a cowardly, indirect way.
During counseling I was advised not to look at their Twitter pages, as it was a means to make me fearful and for months I haven’t bothered. I never really did other than to ascertain where their hate campaign was at? I have now been told that my current lack of self confidence is symptomatic of PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder.) I think my cat vanishing and not being able to speak with my friends and family by phone was the final straw. We as humans are not designed to take onboard physiological acts of abuse over long periods of time, but at the peak of the stalking it was day and night. Even dabbling with my Alexa and other apps at the hotel. It was a 24/7 system of brutal torture, where I lacked sleep whilst trying to run a business and renovate a family home. I even found a tracker on my car.
Of June 2021 on Father’s Day my dad died in my arms. I never really mourned. I got on with work and opened my hotel during August of the same year. I ran it single handily with help from my housekeeper who came over a couple of times a week. I did have a friend to lean on and speak with in our own way. It was a very spiritual thing and personal. I have since learned my Instagram accounts have also been invaded. And when I had counseling earlier this year, I wondered if the stalker was to seek help and show the same transparency, what the diagnosis would reveal? To openly admit to paying people to terrorize a woman who is trying to do best she can for those she loves, to include her pets.
In life we can send out the right messages to those who have good intentions with us, to include friends and loved ones on and offline. Family, neighbours and strangers. But the same messages can so easily be misconstrued by those who wish us harm. And it is has been indescribably frustrating over the years, that whenever I put anything online the man will believe it’s all about him. This is the risky piece in the bigger picture, as when we become fearful to have an online presence, we can become overly insular and retreat into ourselves, which in turn makes us more accessible to stalking. All this spiraled out of control when he found my personal address online, realizing I was living and working alone. Therefore, the online goading became a reality, where he took it to the next level of intimidation. And apparently, he is now online paying to circulate posters of himself as an advocate for women. But this is the typical criminal mind in conjunction with physiological traits. To arm oneself with a fake identity. Plus, my book I began writing last year, for which should be completely dusted by now, was put on hold, as not only did it get hacked by the same set of circumstances, but it was also a story about my journey which became a fearful portrayal of being stalked, almost to death. So, I held back as to retain my own focus and insight. These last months have taken a lot of my time and almost all my savings. So whatever revenge they had in mind and for whatever reason, I believe they’ve reached their goal. Though much of the trail has been reported to various authorities by third parties. And I am grateful. Thanks. It’s clear to many what is happening to me. So that’s it about being terrorized. I do not want to write about all this, as it feeds the problem.
Anyway, moving away from all that negative stuff. Having friends we want in our lives, is about finding where they fit in. And friendship (stating the obvious here) is a mutual agreement, unlike stalking which is an unwanted endeavour. In life we meet opposites or people we just click or become fascinated by. We can fall madly in love and want that feeling to last forever. We can have such a love for a friend, previous partner or new love interest, where we never want to hurt or break the silken thread. But it’s how people collate to the love feeling that determines its destiny. To step back and show respect, to listen and to find our own reasons for how so often, being in love can make us feel vulnerable.
Love is a fresh and vitalizing adrenaline rush of happy vibes. One of which we want to last forever and as time transpires, that feeling matures and develops. Often where one of the two people may realize it’s not right. The balance has changed to a state of dormancy. So, you either work through it, take a step back for a while, or have the dignity let it all go and move on with honour. This does not mean you cannot stay friends; it is just the mechanics have changed and maybe you just need time to readjust from intimacy to sharing. And I think where children are involved, it either must be a settled relationship, or a very strong friendship with space apart but still together. Relationships are time consuming, hard work and often a distraction. It’s about trust. And there’s nothing more fun that being flirty with somebody who is going to love you no matter what. Where it’s safe to show who we really are in a peaceful zone of maturity.
When I make a friend, I give my time. I value them and to me a friend is somebody I respect and admire. In life if we can put our true friends on one hand, we are blessed. Friends who know you, don’t judge, want the best for you and you can go a month without seeing them without any explanations. Friendship is unconditional so that’s why we should be fussy about who we choose. Too many people in our personal world can become chaos. With hospitality we are surrounded by humans from all walks of life, constantly taking calls, planning each tailor-made requirement. So, when the day is over, we want our own down time and turn to a friend or confidant. And for me the internet was a means to stay connected to the outside world in my own space, before getting up at 7am to start a sometimes 18-hour shift of duty, to include taking care of my animals etc and this went on for five years. But it was the most amazing time of my life. And I shared all of that …
I am a home bird, and whilst I love to wander around the streets taking pictures of the real world, I am fine in my own space. I feel very stunned that due to what has happened to me there is someone close, who remains unspoken, who has been bitterly hurt. And I want to thank you Robert. You have been a good friend to me, and we may have done things the wrong way around, but it was muchly my fault, as I was always so busy and I should have dealt with it all in a different way, but so should you. We got lazy with it, and we built art between us in so many ways. But we both messed up, don’t you know it!
This is the thing with love it moves on, and we grow with new experiences, sadly not organically in our case due to the stalking and protecting your world came first. It is beyond comprehension that with global anonymity someone would dare to jeopardize such a treasured secret. But to never have had the chance to say goodbye to you in person has really left a big hole in my heart. I take full responsibility for any hurt. And I wish you well. Your presence comforted me for many years, albeit distant and always so near. It helped me. It is unfortunate it all got hacked and let’s hope this never happens to anybody else. But you are a hero to humanity in your own special way. The world loves you and I understood you. I worked hard to get past my anger toward you, as I wanted you to come and get me and the pets to some kind of safety at the peak of the stalking. I was not living on the edge; I was living on my adrenaline, and I faced it. But really, I just wanted to talk with you and cry about it all. I have been utterly traumatized, but I have fought, and I have told the right people. You basically, let me go and I didn’t try to keep you. The cryptic fan page just pickled my brain. I needed you not that. But there will never be any hard feeling. Only joy and respect and to wish goodness for your dreams. I will always love you Robert. We both went through it, me so more. But you did great things in Ukraine which makes you a bigger man.
I know this sounds very sporadic but actually, it has been Elon Musk who has pathed a way for my recovery into some kind of normality. An online recovery inspiring a sensory garden, where his social presence has made me laugh so much. Elon Musk is not afraid to venture into any new territory of business or topic. I love that he has a go under the watchful eye of the world and finds a healthy conclusion to moving forward. We don’t have to agree with everyone or everything in this old world of ours. But I do find him so very invigorating. I love his outlook towards life. And I am not asking for any person to form an opinion, because without reading up with Twitter and feeling as though I have some kind of role model who understands the complexities of life with rationality. A huge amount of quirkiness, together with responsibility of family and providing employment and innovation. I could have mentally fallen apart. Possibly he saved my life without realizing it. I only have 70 followers, haven’t really engaged just been present and it’s helped.
But doesn’t this show we have two pathways in life, to become consumed with revenge. Thrill seeking by watching the fall of a good woman who simply wanted to build a garden of hope, with no bad intention. Or to aspire to launch rockets and bring people together. Okay we all make mistakes, but I think whatever Elon Musk does in life, I will have such an enormous amount of absolute respect for him. We all need to aspire to positivity throughout our lives. We cannot simply rely on being respected for what we are not. Being cruel to others should not be a diversion as to avoid addressing our own issues. And instead of becoming embroiled about how to hate on people, we should first improve on our personal issues. The world’s already a cruel place as it is, why will to add to that sort of energy.
We don’t need wars and torture. We don’t need abuse and mental hardship, because our lives are not long anyway. So, one day we will all suffer. It’s going to happen! Why bother trying to speed up that process. I would suggest any person who struggles with social media for the above reasons or any matter of a sense of despair. Join Twitter and don’t think about followers, seek out what interests you and read up with many community projects etc. But spend your time wisely as the real world has a maze of potential. You can sit and have a coffee and find new friends with amazing stories. You get up, walk away and reflect on the information. Getting that happy balance is all good and never focus on the negative. It will drag you down. Be transparent but discrete with your feelings. Don’t mislead people. Your crafts are your weapons as opposed to a fake reality of misrepresentation. There’s no pecking order. We can all achieve inner creativeness with a bit of support.
I am fostering a cat named Sally (named by my friend Tracy, who also named Billy) where I adopted Billy and nursed him back from death. Billy vanished on Sunday 5th March, exactly six years since my dog died at the age of 21. Coincidental timing. It has been suggested a cat whistle was used to get him outside, as Billy was too afraid to leave the house. I was having a nap, woke up, he had gone. It killed me. Sally looks and behaves exactly like Billy. I need a cat in my life, it makes me a better woman. To be honest just one cat as a pet would be enough, but my dogs found me through their own little stories. The Sally story is one of absolute magic that does involve Artificial Intelligence. I love intimacy and I am trusting of what I share by our mutual consent. That’s a beautiful thing. To know someone wants you to be safe and loves you. And no matter what decisions they make going forward in their own world, you want what is best for them and their family too. It’s a real friendship for which I trust and cherish. Good Luck all of you!
To my loved ones please feel free to write to me. All contact is confidential, and letters are gold dust. Sadly, for me now, reliant upon alternative means to lead a normal life, since I never realized how one day, we can have our commitments to get on with and the next fall prey to a motiveless hate attack with no end in sight. And since it has gone on for so many years, I hope they can break their habit and realize it’s not going to accomplish anything in terms of goodness. I hope they enjoy their continued wealth and success and leave me to make a full recovery. Most bullying is a temporary thing, sadly this has taken a chunk of my life that I can never have back. I must add here these two people are in their sixties and not kids! We must all learn from it. Targeted abuse is a potential killer at any age, amidst any circumstances.
So, to coin my message in this blog. Work with the people that want to work with you in a harmonious balance of compromise and respect. Leave people alone who do not want you on their journey. Make the most of each day and stay in a positive mindset. Spend time with nature, take time to listen and accept defeat with grace. Deal with jealousy both internally and externally. Tell your loved ones you care (now and again) although too often can become a fake obligation. Empaths don’t need to fix anyone. More so they should go easy on themselves.
And for any person struggling with social media, it is not about popularity but more fitting in somewhere. People who are different to the ‘mainstream affect’ are not sick, they are not to be excluded. Every person has their crafts and interests and there are many ways to grow and learn. Even to be a bystander to the topics and just read up. It is all about balance between such and the real world. All of life is teaching us, even in our sleep. We are never alone and should not be afraid. There is always help out there. Even speaking to your GP will lead to self-improvement if you feel your safety or well being is compromised. In my case, I made new friends who I hope will stay in touch about the many ways nature can help us heal.
Look for new doors, don’t be afraid to let go of the past. And work together. Good Luck. There’s hope everywhere!
With Love. X