Tag: self harm

Mess and Mood by Tiffany Belle Harper – February 2021

Sunday always has such a personal vibe about it. And I decided to let go of all that has no value to me. Unfortunately, most things that did, have since been stolen from my flat in Blackpool. For months it broke my heart how anyone could do this to me – but you either get on with it, or fester on the bad intent. Either way it is in the past and that is where it stays. I am over it and I only have me to blame for being too busy to realise it was happening over a long period of time. I have learned a tough lesson and it will not happen again in a hurry.

Blackpool is like anywhere else in that you move to a new area and you do not know anybody. Blank pages – and it takes time to fill those pages. The chapters begin and you live through your own book. However, I don’t have time to write that much, so my book is the colourful things that really do happen to us each day. We live. We learn. We teach. We give thanks. We grow. 

I am hugely sensitive; particularly if someone faults my parenting or my pets welfare. That is a big no for me. So, watch it! Cos I will have you in a court room before you know it. Apart from that, I can deal with most stuff. I am an adult and if something offends me it is probably because I glanced at it or gave that person or people too much of my precious time. So, dealing with how my hours pass is a big obstacle for me that I am doing well at these days. Because recent events have shown us we have support and love around us from people who have been about for many years. And as we expand our circles we can often overlook the most ‘significant others’ in our hearts who really do want the best. Less is More.

Getting back to letting go of mess. I am transitional once more. I have stockpiled a lot of personal junk – deciding my money works better not to buy nice things for ‘me’ in favour of cheaper stuff as when you were repeatedly robbed, you pause before you spend. I wear my clothes hard. I am on my knees scrubbing. Bleaching. Washing, baking, cooking, and having the pets jumping on us. Therefore, I do need to remind myself more than often to throw things away when they are tatty … despite … loving ragged.

I have opened the doors to guests here, the place is spotless, checked them into their rooms, felt a sense of accomplishment. That is until, I happen to look in a mirror (I do not have one in the flat). I see a woman who is covered in bits of food, sometimes seaweed and sand, wax, paint, cleaning supplies and pet fluff, with un-brushed hair and sometimes dirty teeth. Yes. You work seven days a week during high season. You fall into bed and you get out of it again. And that dirty bitch is no less than ME! Ha! Your time is service. I see other hoteliers looking pristine. I used to wonder how they did it, then decided not to give a shit as I am what I am. That was until I made the decision to put out my clothes the night before. Got a towel by the shower, with my toiletries ready to wash and set the alarm an hour earlier. Remember, I have the pets to feed and care for before we start to cook breakfast for sometimes 25 plus people.

I do have help. I am blessed. But still, I am constantly at logger heads with my own routine. So today I am not holding what I like. I am keeping what I plan to wear in the next six months, which covers most weather. I am letting go of what holds me back. Fabric makes dust. I don’t have a wardrobe here. Instead, two clothes rails and they do make dust! Where I am going has a gorgeous big bespoke hand-crafted triple pine wardrobe that’s painted in a creamy colour. My two rails of clothes won’t fit in it. I have visions of this stunning piece of sustainable furniture being accompanied by a clothes rail rammed into a convenient gap in the apartment and it spoils our new bedroom completely. Then I will be flustering about where to put everything that I don’t really use or need but have become attached towards. Back to square one. So, I am being ruthless with me today and letting much of it go to allow for ‘the new’ with less baggage.

I have spent much of my live living in small spaces. And when I visit people with big spaces, I don’t envy them because all I see is more work. More clutter. More responsibility.

Travel light and live for adventure. If you are not going to use the rooms then why buy space. It is just a statement. That said my darlings, Belleva House is a hotel. A place that will go to work with us. Somewhere that yes we will run around at night and the pets will explore, but the apartment is where we snuggle and slumber.

But then, there is our arty stuff, the crafting. Wax, mica powders, mannequins, pans and brushes. Sigh … they shall have to stay. Where would our lives be without our toys for progress in our heart journeys.

Photo with this blog is my big boy Ashley. Our kids never grow up they just get bigger. Every person needs a Mum type person in their life. This photo is about 5 years old. I since lost my doggy in it. He was 21 and died in my arms. Never got over it and never want to. I love you Foley.

Now am going to tackle a huge clean washing pile in the bathroom that I have walked past so often I forgot it wasn’t a permanent fixture.

Namaste!

Tiff. X

by Tiffany Belle Harper

People/Bullies with Drink Problems – Don’t Suffer in Silence by Tiffany Belle Harper

Whilst I was the victim of bullying on a social platform – as most of  my tasks were to help animals suffering the most extreme abuse, I found it very difficult to cope during parts of 2010 to early 2015. The bully was aware of this but showed no mercy. Regardless of my contempt towards those who do such thing to others, I wish no harm to anybody including bullies and abusers. Instead I hope you get better …

A bully is not a happy person. They are often weak people with no inner sense of spiritual balance.

Further down is a link that I would love to share with those needing support with alcohol addiction, in particular for those who show traits of malice to others, such as the man who attacked me using the web together with his girlfriend who fell in and out of it with him. I can only assume their relationship ignites with territorial battles that lay within themselves. My bully had a cycle, it became predictable according to his drinking from home. Although I was the ‘main’ focus of his contempt others who showed a spiritual or religious opinion also took the wrath, using his multi-million Twitter following.  What a pity this became his main ‘preoccupation’ when there’s so much loveliness going on in the real world.

I told the bully to please stop – but the torment continued. In fact the more I asked the worse it got. And much of it came through making annoyance with animal causes and charity that was counter productive to smaller rescue.

I had to walk away as I felt animals were dying due to the obsession my bully had towards me. An obsession that followed me to my blogs, YouTube channels and anywhere I tried to keep a link for my friends and family to keep up with me and my busy life. Ironically enough, as my animal welfare input decreased so did his …

There does come a point when we have to put the past behind us and be glad to be alive and stop hiding. I should not feel afraid to share my spirituality, music, words, photography and little videos of what I love to do. It’s my self expression and I am blessed to have the ability to do the things I enjoy and be able to make others happy too.

I hope that some of you may find this useful. The first step to recovery is knowing the only person that can truly help starts with ‘self.’ I wish somebody had of been around to support me during these years. But I became a very private person due to lack of confidence.

It would be fair to say I suffered in silence, behind closed doors. My only life thread/salvation to help animals. It was not about money or self recognition. Yet my bully spent most days trying to intervene between me and my goals. Eventually, he won. My work became interwoven in his projects. My stories, ideas …

It finally hit the wall of no return when he pioneered a lobby to help one rescue in Romania that depleted the others of funds. It has had such a devastating knock on effect for the dogs and volunteers, and I blame myself as he did it to hurt me using his fame and following.

I also ran a pet business using the Twitter platform and closed that down too. Nothing is worse than feeling persecuted in the work place. Especially by two ‘financially’ stable people who have no gain in what they did to me for so long.

However on a positive … I have used these difficult times to rebuild my spiritual bond and commitment to be a good person. It is with the help of my spirituality that I got well. Not to mention the land of blogging. I’ve made some really special friends here too!

alcoholic1

However – I do not want to see anyone going through the same. Regardless of who they are or whether I respect them or not. There’s nothing worse than feeling like a piece of shit on the bottom of a boot.

I knew I had to spend less time on social platforms when I began to tug my hair out and make myself sick. I feel sad when I reflect back. I lost my dignity and I should of got out of it sooner. But my love of animals deterred the decision.

My family are my world and my heart is my guide. Without them I would not be here. I realise now that community is the best way to help and find help in return. I can relate to people of all ages who feel the same and suffer in silence. I really do and I am always here for my friends of old, new and for the future.

We cannot blame drink for our actions. We are totally responsible for the hardship we inflict and this is no excuse for being vile to others. Zero sympathy for brute behaviour. A constant stream of jibing and sheer spitefulness between two people that should know better. I can only assume it was/is a severe form of jealousy …

I recall one occasion where I tried to build bridges by including his long term girlfriend in a tweet to help a rescue,  she responded by a tweet about Twitter slamming rather than using her integrity to support the animals. Yet the same couple are regarded as heroic task masters in their close knit public grouping.

Another time, when I moved over to Facebook. I am so rubbish at it and thought my chats were private. I tried to organise a birthday get together and it was so poorly done as there was a lot of holistic events going on that same weekend. His girlfriend (a mature woman who should know better) started making remarks on her timeline about a girl who had no friends on her birthday. It really hurt as I had only just started getting out again, after a long battle with past events. The truth of the matter was the same friends I was chatting with had arranged a surprise party for me. But why should I have to justify that on a public platform with what I assumed was a private conversation?

It got to the point I could not use social media to its best advantage on any level. I felt under scrutiny, constantly. It was having a drink in the evening that gave me the nerve to look up friends and get involved.

I could write a long list of all of the horrible things that were done to me both emotionally/personally and through the animal welfare platforms via my bully but I do not want to relive the past. I am in a good place now and my future is with those who love me and want me to be happy as I do them.

I will never be able to ‘fully’ participate in social media as this would all just resume where it left and things would not be any better. He’s still reactionary, and she’s on the tail. Yet it has done me a favour as I am now free. Free from the responsibility, free from the burden of trying to achieve better things without the right support. Furthermore I learned how to set up tweet streams which means I can still support causes.

I am pleased that more and more people are branching out to their own space. Less is more and we should not be reduced to relying upon likes and shares from strangers. We are human beings with massive energy fields that do not require a button to validate how magnificent we are. The beauty of blogging provokes healthy discussion unlike most other platforms.

Blogging is so much better than tweeting, it enables us to express our full self without exception.

If any of you are in a place where I have walked, things do get better. It is all about where we focus our energy. And remember, attention goes where energy flows, so don’t look where you’ll get no gain. It’s detrimental to you, your health and humanity itself.

If you are the victim of bullying, speak to people. You will be surprised how much help is out there. Small steps make the best progress. One day at a time. Although I didn’t, many others noticed what was going on, I did eventually receive support from the most unlikely of places. It’s true, I suppose, the truth wins.

My workshops are great ways to hold your hands and tell you, you are not alone. Don’t suffer in silence. I don’t want anyone to feel the way I did and I would die fighting for you.

I want to spend more time sharing links to help groups and encouraging people to set up more in the community for those that are suffering in silence. I’ve my own business now, a cafe – it’s not online, there’s no need.  I’ve built my own reputation in the community. I’ve a new life and enough money to live without fear of destitution. (I’m surrounded by love, to include my pets …) Yet although we move forward, forgive … we should never forget – for bullies are here to teach us how to grow from their poor attitude. I sleep well. I’d rather be the target than hold the gun.

I’ve lost two people I love this year, due to bullying. Both shot in the face. The severest, most cowardly act. Yet, I know … they rest in peace. The hardest things to forgive, help us find clarity, peace, faith. This is why it’s so important to get the right help if we feel under threat. Yet sometimes such hatred can take us unaware.

I myself nearly lost my life to an attacker at the end of 2009. It was my sons that suffered most. They grew up very quickly having to take care of me. I’m sorry …

Please if any of this hits a nerve take a look > Link > Sunday Club show it to your bully if he/she/they are fired up on booze when they try to hurt you. Don’t be afraid to speak out. Write a blog like this one. Express your inner passion. You are loved. We all are.

Finally, if you know or connect with a volunteer, cause worker, campaigner or activist, their lives aren’t easy. There’s little reward for seeing hardship 24/7. Be good to them, please.

Tiffany Belle Harper.

by Tiffany Belle Harper